HELLO everybody! We’re going to start today by getting right down to it. I’m sorry I’ve been MIA the last couple weeks, I just haven’t really been feeling it. A week or so ago an acquaintance made an off hand comment to me, “I see you’re really trying to get famous” and to be honest it bothered me right down to the core. And while every sensible cell in my body screams, “let that shit go!” I still have let it fester away at me and bring up all sorts of unpleasant things. I started to get extremely insecure about the blog, what I post, if anyone cares, does everyone think it’s stupid, do I sound like an idiot, what if I don’t have anything to write about, am I interesting, are people making fun of me ::unravels scroll of insecurities:: and you get the picture. It wasn’t even close to the meanest thing on the internet but it really just personally offended me (currently working on growing thicker skin). And what’s even worse, it filled me with some doubt. So to you my lovely readers, I am sorry because I let something silly slow me down (but you all are the most graceful compassionate people ever and so I know you’ll understand).
The best part about all this is the freedom absolutely seething through me right now bursting out of my finger tips. I don’t care if they read this and like it. I’m not doing anything for them, this is for me. One of the reasons I love T the most is because when I first told him I was writing the blog I expressed some of these concerns and he looked at me and said, “Yeah but what if two people love it, and every week they wait for you to write and it makes their week”. It’s a total old man throwing the sand dollars back into the ocean moment but he so sweetly pointed out, this isn’t for the masses.
So alas, I am back, and ready to dive into all the good and juicy stuff with you guys. The amount of feedback and books and advice and podcasts you guys all pour out to me on self help is amazing. The last couple weeks have been rough I’m not going to lie. When you throw out the word, depression, in any context people get REALLY uncomfortable. It’s called seasonal depression but I’ve also recently read a lot of articles calling it seasonal affective disorder which sounds far more complex than it feels. For me seasonal depression (or whatever we’re calling it) just means I’ve been feeling way more tired lately, a lot less energy, and really sluggish. I laugh because the words disorder and depression come with such heavy assumptions from our society but for me it’s my own thing. Basically lately I’ve been in a funk.
Any teacher knows this time of year is the hardest you’re exhausted and the kids are exhausted and really no one understands just how hard teaching is besides teachers. Giving 100% everyday to 23 little people who each need such dramatically different things while working in a Title I school with kids coming everyday with variable trauma seriouslyyyy weighs on you (or at least me). Moving in with T has been a big transition. I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to make sure each night dinner was cooked and dishes were put away and things were pristine. Last night I went to bed incredibly satisfied with a sink full of dishes for the first time. I’d taught all day, had meetings, watched myself teaching with a group of peers on tape, then hauled ass to my second job which is incredibly busy this time of year, only to end my evening grabbing things we needed from the grocery store making my 12+ hour day feel like years. So when I came home I met myself with every ounce of grace I had and said, “the dishes will be there tomorrow, do something the last hour and a half of your day for YOU”. That included baking a couple cookies, starting to write this, and just plain perusing the internet.
Life keeps moving and how lucky am I to wake up each morning. I am going to lean into this uncomfortable-ness, and periodic sadness, and immeasurable stress with as much grace and happiness as possible. I could pretend to make a new workout regime or say I’m flipping my diet or buying a happy lamp (they exist) but really I’m going to sit with all this and think each second about what I really need and what actually will serve me. I hope everyone’s doing well as we gear up for the holiday season! XxAbby